MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL (2008) CD 1/2
Oh, let's just get in there, baby. Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.
I love angry sex. This is the best.
Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?
Oh, yeah... Okay.
Give up, already. Yeah, you know.
I like this girl. Really do.
Sometimes you just know.
I'm not finished.
I tried like a motherfucker to follow you up...
...but this door, it does a little thing with the lock when you're inside.
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. We start with a blowjob.
Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?
And most girls find it rewarding the way I do it...
...because I turn what is normally a chore into, like, a training session.
It's like my own special Head Start program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.
Do that really well, we move on to the nasty stuff.
Bring my buddies over, maybe take some "artsy" pictures, you know?
Do some artsy live streaming video. Totally tasteful.
Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.
That way you could get that can opener fixed...
...lipo the back end, maybe refurbish the balcony.
- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? - Yeah.
Real quick, yes to bad timing or yes, you wanna go...?
- Fuck you! - Exactly.
- Why won't you just die already? - I accept your rebuke of my advances.
But for future reference, could you at least give me a reason why?
How about 10?
I love angry sex. This is the best.
It's gonna be great. Just...
Hey, we're going Dutch on gas money, you know.
Is that your phone?
- Don't you answer? - I don't know.
Or are you more interested in me right now?
- I'm... - Answer your phone. That's my phone.
Shit. Hold on one second. I got it.
Hello.
Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy.
- You need... - Listen to me. Listen, Sarah...
Shut the fuck up. I'm not even listen...
Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?
Dick!
- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant? - Oh, my God.
I'll just be a minute.
You know what, you expect me to swallow that horseshit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable. Well, then fucking marry me!
- Didn't see that one coming, did you? - What are you doing?
How am I supposed to know it was your sister? How was I?
Okay, it was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you.
- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her. - What? No.
Okay, you tell your sister...
...that I'll make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor.
Sarah, my ex.
Big cunt.
Rachel, I apologize.
Sometimes when you try a new restaurant, it's a gamble.
And today we lost.
I'm thinking to avoid any sexual obligation, that's you.
Oh, my God.
- Everything okay? - I can't eat this. I can't.
Perhaps I can interest you in some of our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?
She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.
Tank.
Okay. Since you have yet to ask me anything at all...
...I just thought I should tell you a little bit about myself.
I'm a social worker.
- Yeah, I know what you're thinking. - Yeah?
It's very... It's challenging work...
...but it's so important. - Whoa, whoa, there, big time.
I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.
That is important work. Because without air, we cannot live.
What can I get for you tonight?
Is the corned beef quesadilla, is that any good?
Or what do you recommend?
Do you mean unspoiled? For example, if you said, "Is this milk any good?"...
...your concern would not be with taste but rather your personal safety.
Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley. I'll be your server for tonight.
Something to drink?
Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.
Okay, no, I don't drink...
...but thank you. - I wasn't ordering for you.
- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. - That's okay.
I've got a little bit of a headache, so...
See?!
It's been like this for a month!
I got it.
These are for your ears!
Thanks.
You look offended by the song!
But if you really listen, it's not really vulgar.
It's about a guy, he's in love. And I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy."
But it's a metaphor for, like:
"I wanna hug you!"
Pop that pussy Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me
It's not about fucking.
It's about taking a relationship...
...to another level!
- What? - Yeah. And now we see it.
So we should listen to the whole thing so you know the story.
Listen, listen.
No, it's easy, all right? She's not even gonna make it past dinner.
By the time I'm done, she'll know the difference between...
...what's in the hand and what's in the bush.
Hi.
- Yeah, we said 7:00. - I know.
I tutor this high-school girl.
She's part of my Head Start program.
And she's slow, learning-disabled.
It's sad.
Every time I come, I feel like I'm wasting my time.
- You know, not in her eyes. - Actually...
No one is doubting your memory, which is both vivid and damning.
But if I could, I'd like to briefly challenge points four and seven.
Oh, really? Because, you know what? I didn't even get to mention...
Oh, my God.
Please stop. Please stop. Please stop.
So I'll call you later?
- And I'll call the cops, you asshole. - I had a nice time tonight.
- Hello. - Josh, I just went on...
- ... the worst date of my life. - Rachel.
- Hey, look, I'm gl... - I'm so, so sorry.
Why are you sorry? Baby, I was the one who...
- Can we maybe, you know, grab a...? - Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great.
- Yeah. - I'd really like that.
Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. But can I call you?
- What about dinner tomorrow night? - I'd like that.
Yeah, I'd like that too. All right.
I'm so glad you called. All right, bye.
Told you. I just show them the difference...
...between what's in the hand and what's in the bush.
You have mastered the female psyche.
To get them to run, I make them think that I'm shit.
To get them to come, I make them think they're shit.
Either way, you're the asshole.
It's what I do.
Sorry.
All right.
Look at you, all white and thin.
I bet if I laid you on this bar, she could snort you.
Listen, beauty queen.
I know people are concerned about you because you're dangerously thin.
But I'm not one of those people. Yet I am concerned.
That you've had too many drinks...
...and your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.
These pretzeled devils, far from complimentary.
I mean, baby, get your head in the game.
Nothing tastes as good as looking good.
- That is just... - Excuse me.
Are you psycho? I mean, how can you even begin to talk to...?
Easy, Urlacher.
Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating?
If the pussy police here would stop ordering her fries tempura...
I just had a child.
Congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious.
Looks like you downed the whole thing.
You're an asshole.
- You really are an asshole. - Then walk away.
- Let me just go get my purse, okay? - Get cigarettes.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Take me. Take me to your house. Take me right now to your house.
- Hey, guy. - Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee.
- Yeah. Come here. - Renee, Tank.
- Hey, okay. Two seconds. - Talk to me for a second.
- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. - All right.
Didn't I just save your ass? I just cleaned up your bed...
...and you're shitting in it again, okay? Aren't you getting fucking married?
I am getting married...
...but not tonight.
- Renee. Renee, there she is. - Josh.
There she is. She's all mine.
I have to work tomorrow.
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. It's Tuesday.
Good one. I have a strict no-sleepover policy.
Yeah.
Come on, Tank, it's almost 5.
For some people that's not tonight, it's tomorrow.
I hate those people.
Shit.
Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. Okay, bye.
- Dude. What the shit? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I told you this was happening. As of now, I'm training for the marathon.
Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong with a little bit of discipline.
By the way, you should try it.
You need discipline like I need to miss my period.
Seriously, you're already, like...
...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog...
...cyborg crazy creature.
You mean, I have a job?
And now you're gonna wake me up at 5:15 every single morning...
...so that eventually you can run 26 miles in a circle.
Here's the great part. You get to go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!
For the record, I am involved in a very taboo interoffice relationship.
- Morning. - Good morning.
Dustin, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks.
I'm from Lexington.
- Okay, bye. - Bye.
- See you. - Yeah.
That's not the secret knock.
That's the one. What's going on, man?
I need to move this into your room. Tonight is the night.
And if all goes according to plan, consider this move permanent.
- "Lawrence of a Labia"? - Yeah, in a moment of weakness...
...I bought the entire EFI. The Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.
Where did it go wrong? You have a serious problem.
Better than taking sexual frustrations out...
...on a parade of one-night skanks I'll never see again.
- True. - Good morning.
Hey, no, no, come here. This is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.
Not technically related. Our parents were friends until his mom walked out.
Slash-fuckhead for bringing up bad family shit at inappropriate times.
It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Fucking family.
What's the plan? Bring this girl back here, pop open chloroform...
...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?
No. Tonight is the night I tell her how I feel.
Tank, this girl... This girl is my soul mate and it's time she knew that.
Not if you want to fuck her.
You, what is the nicest thing I've said to you since I met you?
You complimented me on my technique.
Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?
I'm not gonna manipulate her, I'm not gonna con her.
- I'm just gonna be myself. - No.
Yourself is a repressed headcase that beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.
By hiding porn, taking her to joints you hate, training for a marathon...
...you're not showing the real you. You're showing a highlight-reel you.
- Thus, in fact, you're conning her. - You don't get it. You don't get it.
I love her. Alexis...
Alexis is my angel.
You get it, right?
We don't get it. We don't.
Anyway, we can skip this "call me" scenario.
- I'm already late. - Great.
I wanna know something. This chick...
- What's her name? - Alexis.
If this chick Alexis means so much to you, how come I haven't met her yet?
Because she means that much to me.
Mazel tov, man. Love. Angels. Awesome.
What about that girl at camp who used to let you play with her boobies?
- Jackie? We were 15. - She looked like a baton with titties.
What about Gracie, love of your life...
...till you caught her blowing Holstein freshman year?
- What's your point? - My point is this: Lindsay, gym crush.
Melissa, your barista. A lot of angels, Dust.
- Why you gotta be such an asshole? - It's what I do, man.
Good luck. If you need them, condoms are in the medicine cabinet.
If not, Jergens lotion, underneath my bed.
Dusty, this is absurd.
What? You love steak, we're eating steak.
- You're a vegan. - Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy.
I feel a little guilty loving steak so much and you're a vegan.
But whatever.
I love the way you eat.
I love that you eat.
I love that you pay.
Seriously, though, I just love watching you do anything.
I love it... I love you, Alexis. I love you.
Oh, shit.
We just said more than once we're gonna keep it light.
- We work together, we're friends. - That's what I'm supposed to say.
Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be the relationship tough guy, you know?
I'm the dude.
The dude can't just come out with:
"I've loved you since the moment I first saw you, pounding out...
...a lender's agreement, eating Cocoa Puffs...
...while some pretty boy drooled over you."
- Michi Yamana. - Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick.
So I love you, madly.
Sorry. l... l... I know I need to stop.
Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin. Just shut your mouth.
I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh? See, this is what you do to me.
- What do I say here, but...? - I'm sorry.
But do you know how hard it's been trying to play it cool?
- It's been five weeks. - I know.
We haven't even had sex.
Well, that's why we're here, Alexis. I wanted to talk to you about...
I think I'm ready to take the next step.
Sex isn't a step, Dustin.
Being exclusive would be a step or moving in together is a step.
Then let's move in together.
I need you to take me home.
But it just felt so right. It just felt so right.
No, it does, it feels right.
Just not right now.
"Just not right now."
Oh, God.
God, I'm a fag.
- Dude, you canceled Spice. - It was like 21 bucks a month, dude.
Someone had a rough night.
I'm Mr. Right...
...just not Mr. Right Now.
What...? What does that even mean? What does that even mean?
- I told her I loved her... - Oh, no.
What?
I went in early. No, no, I know. I went in a little early, but she...
- Thanks for your support. Sweet. - Dustin.
Dusty, look.
This too shall pass, all right?
But that journey begins...
...with self-exploration.
And I'm holding the map, Dusty.
Hey.
Kid, I got your 'bate crate.
You know how much you love your 'bate crate.
"I'm like comfort food for your penis."
- What do I do? - Okay.
What do you do? Okay, let's look at the options.
Stalk her. But you're never gonna be with her. Love her from a distance.
Never have a family but you could love her kids from a distance.
Murder-suicide, but that's trending upward.
- Or I could just hire you. - No.
- Why not? - I don't fuck with family.
Well, technically we're not blood-related. Right?
Go to bed, Dust.
You're serious. Okay.
I'll get serious.
If I do this...
If I do this, I'm gonna make it the finest Tank-ing of my career.
My fucking masterpiece.
She'll lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia.
I'm talking about a Turkish twist, epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay?
Her brain'll be rocking back and forth in the shower for like three weeks.
Okay? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank.
I'll be flying up into the sky.
She's gonna cry tears that form "Call Dusty" on the ground.
Yes? Am I doing it? Tell me I'm doing it.
Okay, that was weird. And I'm not sure that...
Listen, rain check, maybe though.
Wow, can't believe I almost resorted to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry.
You're sweet. Next time with the next one, maybe.
- Thank you. - I'm here.
A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly.
Don't say a word.
God! Son of...
Why? That stupid...
Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.
How may I help you today?
Excuse me, do you have any idea how long I was just on hold?
It's been like an hour and a half.
Hello. In your manual...
... you've expressed a possibility of some odor issues.
"Faint aroma," it says here on page 7. Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit.
It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude.
Because apparently I paid 49.90-motherfucking-5...
... so that my sweet-ass condo smells like some Korean cat barbecue.
- Touchdown. - You lose. You lose.
You suck.
Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but that's not gonna solve your problem.
New girl.
New girl
Ooh, new girl
Did the emotional terrorist win?
I just... You know, it's funny. I never noticed your highlights...
...until somebody actually said something.
They're actually really good.
- Just tell me how it works. - Let me make this clear.
Before she can love you, she has to hate me.
But before she can hate me, she has to like me.
That may be the hardest part of the equation.
So I set up the meet-cute.
In every movie, the stars meet in some cutesy way.
Since every woman is looking for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy...
...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies, I've gotta be that thing.
Here.
Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it.
Are you okay?
That was rough. I'm Alexis.
Wow, that looked really real.
- Is that real? - It's real and it hurts.
Okay. So, like, what happens now? You come back every day...
...for a couple weeks. Slowly, eventually you build her trust.
- Daddy bee's got the honey. - That's her number.
- Let's go eat. - How...? How did...?
Now, remember, she's classy. So maybe a fast-food joint.
Or wait, wait, drive-through.
Do I tell you what flavor of jam to eat out of your boss's ass?
No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay? You want offensive locales?
There's a place in Revere, they let you boil your own dolphin.
Arlington, you can have a dominatrix waitress...
...take a dump on your lap while she peppers your Cobb salad.
I know a spot in P-town, you can get a meat loaf shaped like a cock.
You gotta trust me. She's not gonna know what hit her.
All right. Good luck.
- Do not wear that, please. - What am I doing?
Just take this. This is what you're doing.
Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to flush them out after a relationship.
That's disgusting. But seriously, what's wrong with me?
Dustin's a good guy.
- You're such a fucking girl sometimes. - Pretty good guy.
A good guy? Who cares?
A good guy is, like, somebody that your parents dig or...
- Listen to me. In the real world... Ami. - I'm listening.
- In the real world... - Yes.
What if he's a good man with a good heart...
...and he's smart? And if he's not too rough on the eyes?
If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gangbanged right now.
Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach you something that took me, like...
...years and years of promiscuity to learn, okay?
- What is this outfit? - It's aweso...
Hey, how many guys have you slept with?
- Like, total? Three, right? - Two.
- Two? - I'm a serial monogamist.
Well, okay. That's, like, the first big, huge problem right there.
Didn't anybody ever tell you that you have to suck a few frogs...
...before you get to suck a prince?
I believe it's "kiss."
Pretend it's a year abroad, you know?
But instead of going to Europe, you're gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes.
- It's awesome. - I haven't been drunk in a long time.
Good. You need it. You need it.
Now tell me something. What do you see in this box?
- I see into the... - No, in the box.
An inordinate amount of masturbatory aides...
...which some, I pray, are novelty-sized.
Oh, my God.
Okay, that will do nicely.
- You, show her a good time tonight. - I love you.
- Show her a good time. - I love you.
- Such a good time. Love you. - Have a great night.
Don't be scared without me.
- I'll be back. I'll be back. - Yeah. I'll be waiting...
- She's my roommate. - I bet she gives great head.
Actually, I'm sure she does.
You're pretty drunk.
I'm pretty ready to rock.
Oh, boy.
Tank, is this a Mustang?
It's a GTO.
- A... Whatever that means. - Yeah.
Well, listen, I just wanna warn you, my stereo's busted.
Oh, that's cool. That's cool.
Hey, this is my... I almost lost my virginity to this song.
- Let's go. - Yeah, let's go.
- This is a first, Tank. - Yeah, me too.
Should we sit front row and center?
Oh, wild.
Yeah, can we get two Long Island Iced Teas?
And put the chop-chop on that, lady.
Could you make mine a double? And two shots of tequila, please.
Okay, let's slow down, princess.
You're getting sloshed like it's your prom night here.
- I never went to prom. I never went. - No shock there. I believe that.
I had the date, I had the dress.
But prom was the night my dog bit my sister in the neck...
...and we had to put him down. - Shit.
And I will never... Oh, my goodness.
- ever forget the horror in little Fraggle's eyes...
...as his paw went limp in my hand.
It was horrible. Blood. It was just, like:
I'm sure that's not the only thing that's gone limp in your hand.
I will say it. In all sincerity, that sucks hard.
It's sad to lose a pet.
Where do they learn how to do this?
- Well, I taught them a few things. - I wanna know.
That's incredible.
What is that?
- What is that? - I think we should just fuck tonight.
That looks pretty.
- I'm gonna go pee. - Got it.
Hey, I can't talk.
- Where are you? - I'm out, I'm seeing a band.
They suck, but I'm seeing them so I really can't talk.
- Put your "Guitar Hero" down. - What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm not playing "Guitar Hero." It's Saturday night. I'm out.
Just put it down. We have problems.
All right. What's the story?
I am drunk and he's either the biggest asshole in America...
...or trying to convince me he's the biggest asshole in America.
Either way, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but this guy...
Come on. How better to appreciate Dustin than to do this?
Than to bang this guy, who's obviously far inferior...
...but probably hung like Seabiscuit. Right?
Now go. Go and bang. Bang like you have never "bung" before.
And do it for Dustin.
Jesus.
- Baby doll... - Hi.
- I'm Alexis.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
And when it comes to love, there's only one thing you can trust.
It's not your friends, it's not your head.
It's that little voice inside your clamburger.
"Listen to me."
Watch this. It's a game. It's called "Who's at the Door?"
And I look out the peephole.
It's the mailman.
Would it hurt you to play with her tits? Help me out.
You can stay there. That's good.
Oh, you grab that. I'll get the next one.
- There won't be a next time. - Lucky me.
And our motto, basically, is, "Without air, we..."
"Without air, we cannot live."
- Stop. - Right.
I get it. You're a dick.
I'm sufficiently offended.
Done.
Coming up?
Suit yourself.
Enjoy the long ride home.
I'm going home, okay?
Why am I going home? Because I'm going home.
I'm getting in the car. Eyes in the game and the head in the ball.
Can't do it.
Just start the car. Just start the car, baby.
Just gotta start the car, get the fuck out of here.
Why? Because, look. Your head's in the game, your balls are attached...
...and you're gonna go home and maybe she'll call you maņana.
Why would she call me? She'll call Dusty.
Because she's what? Dusty's girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball.
She is Dusty's girlfriend.
Listen to me.
What is wrong with you, asshole?
You asked me to trust you.
- And I trusted you. - Done.
Somehow.
Some way.
Thank you.
Dude, you did it. She just called.
Okay, quote, "I just had the worst night of my life."
You did it, man.
We're having lunch tomorrow.
Tank, we're having lunch. Can you believe it?
Dude, when it comes to being an asshole, you are a genius.
Genius.
Anything for a friend.
So about the other night.
Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid.
It's just... I've never gone this far with a girl, emotionally.
- And I just lost it. - Slow down. Slow down.
I was stupid and harsh...
...and I'm sorry.
Last night I went out with a real asshole. Horrible.
It just made me realize that guys like you are so rare.
But it also made me realize how few guys I've dated.
How few guys I've actually gone out with.
Like, none. I need to date and you need to date...
...other people. I'm just saying that...
What I'm trying to say is that I wanna start over as friends first.
Like, be friends.
I like you as my friend.
Start over...
...as friends first. - Friends.
Like Harry and Sally.
I think the point of that movie was that men and women can't just be friends.
No, no, no, they can be just friends...
...even date other people, as long as they end up together...
...in the end. As long as they end up together, right?
Yeah.
This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go because my sister is getting married.
It's an on-again, off-again, on-again thing.
She's freaking out, treating me like her assistant so I'm running all over.
I'm really glad we had this talk, you know?
Dude. You check out that sandwich they got downstairs?
Bread is, like, two slices of freaking pizza, man.
Only in America. Fuck me.
Clean air probably shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat.
I got a real fucking tough guy over here.
I got a guy on the verge of a five-state killing spree. Do you wanna?
Ready? Three, two, one.
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor. - Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
- Make me proud. - Kill it.
Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay.
- How may I help you? - How may I help you?
- Please hold. - Please hold.
Treat her like a bowling ball.
Strike.
Dust, hold on one second, all right?
Sir, I looked into the problem and it'll actually fix itself.
- What's up, kid? - You failed, Tank.
She wants to see other people.
She said she wants to see other people?
She did. That's why you're gonna take her out again.
Except this time, you're gonna get seriously diabolical.
I'm talking public defecation.
Dust, you're freaking me out here, okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art.
You can't go in there crazy like a dragon with a hemorrhoid.
Besides, what makes you think she'd ever wanna speak to me again?
Don't worry, I'm taking care of that.
No, you're not. You do... Dust.
Don't do anything, okay? Listen.
I have to teach a training seminar 10 minutes ago. Dusty?
All right.
- You're late, Tank. - I know.
- You're Tank, right? - Are you a cop?
No, Roger's friend Sonny said you fix things.
Walk with me.
- You're late. - Thank you.
I'm going crazy without her. Shit-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy.
- You're late. - Shut up.
Okay, religious girl. How do I bump into her?
- You're late. - No shit.
She's a high-school English teacher.
Guy can't really hang around a high school these days, unfortunately.
- She gets her hair done Tuesdays. - Love it.
What'd you do? Foot in your mouth? Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts.
Let's say you're gonna have to be a real asshole to make me look good.
It's what I do.
- You're late. - Yes.
Everybody, you're late. Don't let it happen again.
I'm Tank and I will be brief.
Here at Airmeister we have two rules.
No refunds.
The beauty of an air purifier is that nobody can prove that it doesn't work.
Amanda, you saucy tart. I want somebody really pissed off.
I'm talking about DEFCON 2 level of anger.
Who do you got for me, baby?
I have just the one for you. She's furious and asked for you by name.
Put her through.
Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. How may I help you?
Before we even discuss what I received...
... which is a whole other mystery...
...I demand an explanation for yesterday.
Ma'am, I'm fully concerned. What happened yesterday?
Are you gay? Or are you just an asshole?
Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous because no verbal affront...
...could be as devastating to me as your dissatisfaction.
Dissatisfaction?
Yes, I mean if the unit's performance or lack thereof has left you frustrated...
See, I never saw your unit. I gave you a chance and you didn't deliver.
Ma'am, you're upset.
I'm upset. I'm upset that you will never, ever know what it's like...
...to sit on a hot, sweaty summer night...
...and let that unit blow its glorious bounty all over your face.
You think after the shit you put me through...
...that I called just so you could talk dirty to me?
I gave you a one-time free hall pass for sex.
Good sex. Hot sex.
l... l... I fucking roofied myself.
I'm a little confused. Amanda?
You're confused? That makes two of us...
...because I don't know what kind of asshole acts like an asshole...
...and then when it actually comes time to be an asshole, walks away.
Like a total asshole.
Making me look like an even bigger asshole...
...for offering some big-ass asshole asshole-sex in the first place.
What kind of asshole are you?
This is actually a personal call.
Dude, you are so hired.
Excuse me for a second.
Shit.
Asshole.
Sorry. Offer expired.
Did you really think roses and a poem would give you a second chance?
You rhymed "apology" with "apologetically."
- I'm... - I just felt bad, okay?
You're right, I do owe you an explanation.
I didn't sleep with you because you're not attractive.
- There, I said it. - Oh, thanks.
Thank you so much because you saved me...
...from what could've been the worst decision of my life.
- And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana. - One-nothing.
You're below my standards. Even for a one-night pity fuck.
- And I've taken down some real hogs. - Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.
I bet your sex life is a regular heavy-petting zoo.
You know what? You're what we call a two-bagger.
That means I have to wear a bag on my head...
...just in case the one on yours breaks.
You sure it's not just a size thing?
Because it's gotta be tough standing at a urinal, pissing on your own testicles.
At least I can hide my shame in my pants.
What really sucks is having an ass...
...the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey. That suck...
- Don't... - You think that's too big?
You think that's too small?
So you said do nothing, but I did something, totally small.
I sent her a couple hundred bucks worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.
A few stanzas, no big deal. Did she call?
No, she didn't.
Dusty, these women, they have a way of getting into our head.
I'm gonna give you some fresh perspective.
Listen to me. This girl, I'm getting a hunch.
She's built for destruction. You can't trust her.
You know who you have to trust, Dusty? Each other.
Yeah. It's time to let her go. Maybe get some... You know.
Just let her go. Move on.
You want me to move on?
Give up. Want me to give up. That's your big plan? I should just give up?
That doesn't quite work for me, okay? That doesn't quite work for me.
I'm not some sort of misogynist...
...that can just swap out women like they were batteries, okay?
I love her, Tank. I care more about this girl than I do myself.
- You will never understand that. - It's new to me.
She said she wants to be friends.
You know what? I'll give her a friend.
I'll be the best goddamn friend she ever had.
Today was a good day for us.
We made eye contact, although I couldn't gauge...
I gotta run.
Turn.
She's really tough to read.
Really tough to read.
I felt like... I felt like she was a bit distracted.
Totally. Hey, can we do this later?
It's hot.
Where you going?
She's seeing someone.
Dusty.
What are you doing? You're scaring the shit out of me.
Sitting in the dark like a vampire, you creepy weirdo.
She's seeing someone.
We don't go out at night. I get her voice mail after 10.
She's seeing someone.
- And I'm gonna find out who. - I'm gonna take back "weirdo."
You're giving off more of a full-blown serial psycho...
...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros vibe.
Stop. Intervention time.
It's time to forget about Alexis. Look at me, all right?
It's time to wipe the cobwebs off your cock and stick something.
I don't think she'd be cool with that.
Look at me, please. You definitely... You don't need her permission.
You need to get laid.
And if you'll listen to me, I bet I could make that happen.
This is one of the most important things that any man can do.
A haircut?
Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me.
You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby...
...the baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded...
...moments before styling your hair.
- A bit harsh. - Appointment for Dusty, please.
Grab a seat.
Great article. I've read that. Sorry to interrupt.
My associate here is looking for a stylist he can trust.
And this place was recommended to us by a woman in our prayer group.
Well, is he looking for something simple or?
Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do.
- I'm Hilary. - Hilary, my name is Tank.
- This is Dustin. - Hi.
So I've got an $85 haircut so you could have a meet-cute?
Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny.
In return, I'm gonna get you a date with...
Let's just call her a confidence booster. A slow, fat one down the middle.
I hope that's a baseball metaphor.
This pitch is in your wheelhouse. Grand slam, upper deck. Game over.
- Hey, beauty queen. - Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry.
I've got these little... Is there any way...?
Yeah.
- Shit. - I'm so sorry.
No, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Is there any other way we could...? - Yeah, okay.
Guess what. We're all set for tonight.
Okay, hold still.
What about, like, frosting my tips?
What are you, a Mini-Wheat?
Listen, this girl's not Alexis. She's got a bed built for sex...
...not stuffed animals. - Wait, what?
How do you know that Alexis has stuffed animals on her bed?
- Wait. - Oh, my.
- Fuck. - Oh, my God...
This stuff happens in salons. Sometimes it's fixable.
- Tell him it's fixable. - I'm gonna throw up.
Makeup, little shading, maybe some glue.
How about an eyebrow toupee?
- Where's my eyebrow? - I don't know what to say.
Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me! Where's my eyebrow?
That's a new look.
- You can fix it, right? - Sure, just pop into my DeLorean.
- It's in the back. - Don't be a bitch.
- You're the bitch, bitch. - Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend.
- He's follicly deformed. - Fuck my fucking mother.
Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless one's missing, nobody's gonna notice.
Yeah.
- Come here. Come here, sit down. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You gotta be brave, man.
Oh, my God.
- Do it. It's good. - Come on. It's gonna...
You know what? I think it's gonna look great.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - It's gonna be really hot.
- It better be hot. - Yeah.
Fuck.
Bad, bad times.
Oh, my fucking shit.
I'm coming.
Oh, those are lovely.
And I see you've got a hairstyle change.
- True. - Claire, he's here.
Come on in. She'll be right out.
I'm sorry, I was under the impression that we...
Us? No. Tank said you needed a lay-up.
Are you calling me a lay-up?
No. God, no. No.
They told me you were taller.
Just for peace of mind, the father of this child is?
In the middle of a brutal divorce with the mother of this child.
Cool.
I mean, not cool. That's not cool. But... But...
Here you go.
Lilies. Thoughtful.
- Sorry. - I don't wanna give them up.
- Thanks. - I told you.
My friend said he was one of the good guys.
I don't know if I would say I'm one of the...
I've been known to be a bit of a dog sometimes.
How cute, he's trying to convince himself.
Oh, no, you're a sweetheart, and that's okay.
I mean, Claire needs someone like you after the mess she's been through.
Someone nice.
Nice is nice.
- Should I take those? - Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late.
Can I get you something to drink, cutie?
- Yeah, actually, as a matter of fact. - Okay.
You can.
I'll have what he's having.
- What the fuck? - What just happened?
- He just said he wants... - I just, I said...
He looked at Liam, licked his lips and said:
- "I'll have what he's having." - Okay, but what I meant...
- What does that even mean? - What does that mean?
- I'll ex... Let me explain. - You want me to lactate for you?
- No. - You want my big...
...life-giving, mothering, nurturing breasts in your filthy mouth?
What's wrong with you? There's a child here.
- She's got a child. - I see the child.
- A child. - It is a child. I was just...
- You wanna breast-feed. - What?
That's what this is.
You're some fetishistic monster who preys on women.
- Okay, I was just kidding. - You're disgusting.
I was gonna throw myself at you, and you...
I was just joking...
- Can we just start over? - Hi.
- I just wanna start... - Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter.
Groucho here made a mark about suckling at my teat...
...and stealing my baby's milk...
...and is consequently leaving. - Okay.
- Get the fuck out! - Okay, I'm really sorry.
- I'm just... I'm sorry. - No. No more. Just get out.
- I'm really sorry. - Go, go.
Come here.
You got shot down...
...in a blaze of glory.
You cost me a job, man.
I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. How much?
- Forty... Fifty if it's past 11. - Okay.
Here's 60 for your trouble. I'm really sorry.
Sweet.
Hey, for another 60, I'll jerk you off in the parking garage.
Jesus. Do I really look that desperate?
There's no milk, but I'll let you suck tit for 5 bucks a minute.
Excuse me.
Alexis!
Alexis, I love you!
I love you, Alexis. I can't just be friends, okay?
Alexis, come to the door.
Come on.
- Oh, Dobler. - Hey, hey.
Hi there. I'm so sorry, your BFF's upstairs with another guy.
Holy shit, what is going on with your eyebrows?
- Seriously, I think there's something... - I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there?
But they're just hanging out, right? Is she seeing this guy?
No, no, no. No, no, just an occasional bang.
No, no. God, no. How many times have they gone out?
- How many times have they...? Not... - They don't go out ever.
No, he just comes over and he bangs, and then he leaves.
- What? - You know, she's doing this all for you.
Think about it. She's up there with her knees by her ears, getting railed...
...so one day she can settle down with a nice boy like you.
- I love her. I love her. - Dustin.
- You'd better be ready. I'm serious. - Alexis.
Alexis. Ale...
Dustin, what are you doing here?
- What is he doing here? - Well, this is my...
It's Tank.
- This is the guy you're with? - No, I'm not with anyone.
I'm not... We're not together.
I mean, no offense, Tank, but we're not...
I told you. I told you that I was gonna get out there...
...and I was gonna see other people and I was gonna date...
...and get some experience under my belt...
...and live my life a little bit. For once in my life, do something like that...
...and that's exactly what I'm doing.
- Should I go? - Yes.
- I'm gonna go. - No, no, no.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Tank.
- You know what? I'll go. - No, you don't go, you stay.
I should get going, I have a big day tomorrow. My roommate's moving out.
I have shit to do too.
- Really? - Bye.
- I'll call you later. - I'll call you later.
- No, after you. - No, you go.
No, no, please, Tank. You go first.
- All right. - Fine.
- How can I trust you? - I don't know.
Hey, I wasn't kidding. You're out by tomorrow morning.
Dusty...
I thought so.
So we remember the words of Betty Friedan:
"A woman has got to be able to say, and not feel guilty:
'Who am I...
...and what do I want out of life?"'
That's why my Women's Studies program will be focused...
...on the liberation, celebration and exploration...
...of you...
...and you...
...and you.
Enjoy your weekend, and please try to do so responsibly.
The man is Oprah.
Would you all excuse me for just one second, please?
- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. - Hey, Dad.
If there's anything else I can get for you, I'm always available, professor.
One of my teaching assistants, and a very hard-working young woman.
Last night, I fucked her within an inch of her life.
True story. I'm jamming her head through the headboard...
...I flip her over, she screams, "Give me a choker."
I play the choirboy, "What's that?" Star wipe to five minutes later...
...she's bucking like an epileptic at a strobe-light convention.
I'm getting scared.
As I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head, she goes:
Like an air bag.
Now, that's a Tuesday night.
You got a good gig, Dad.
How you doing, son?
Dusty kicked me out.
In all fairness, I was accidentally sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend...
...but I feel like shit.
Son, let me tell you a story.
December, 1977, your mother, God rest her soul...
...throws one of her infamous pot potlucks...
...and I find myself sozzled in the boathouse with your Aunt Francie.
Now today, some might consider her to be zaftig...
...but back then, she could really hang a sundress.
How I yearned for her.
But I refrained because it was your mother's sister.
- I get it. I fucked up. - No. No.
The point is, is that two days later, I banged the shit out of her...
...in the back of a Bonneville while your mother filled my prescription.
Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.
Okay, so you approve?
Guilt is just one more thing trying to asphyxiate us during sex.
You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV, you feel better, you cheat again.
All right, you know what? This girl's different.
She's smart, she's cool, she's tough, she's a 10.
Ms. Barber, I must apologize for my son's antiquated phraseology.
Out of desperation, he continues to assess women...
...a base-10 value number...
...predicated solely on their physical countenance.
That's...
- That's wrong, Sherman. - No problem.
I moved from numbers a long time ago. You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A.
That's ass-up polyurethane. Really talking about a one through nine.
It was too constricting. I'm all about the letters now.
J.
She smells like a J.
E over there in the booth.
An E is a 22 on a scale of 26.
It gets easier with practice.
- S. - Crop-top here, she would be an F.
No, bad skin. She's a G, maybe an H without the war paint.
But that cougar over there, Bo Derek with the blue wrap.
- She's a solid L. - Okay, wait a second.
That woman is 62, that wrap is a shawl...
...that L is a Y, and there's a reason they call them Y's.
- Come on. - Check it.
No, good call, Sherm, good call.
I've gotta get that Lasik.
- So you gonna wing me or what? - What's the game plan?